The Motherhood Milestone

Well... it was Mother's Day yesterday. I knew it was going to be a tough day. So for the whole week I started preparing by tapping into my tools. Mainly Gabrielle Bernstein . She is my go to spirit guide whenever I fall from my spiritual path. With everything that has gone on the past few weeks, I really felt like my faith and understanding of the universe was being challenged. I came across this talk she did about her struggle with infertility - in divine timing! In it she reminds me of the following: - that the Universe has a divine plan that is right for us and we just need to let it happen - "those who are certain about the outcome can afford to wait and to wait without anxiety" - a course in miracles - the more I try to control the situation, the further I am pushing my desires away and not working with the Universe but against it But here is my struggle... is taking my uterine tea trying to control the situation? Is doing fertility yoga and womb massage try...

Finally got a consultation with the doctor. And as it turns out she was willing to transfer even if I didn't get to 8 mm. But the nurses didn't convey that to me so I cancelled the cycle thinking that they weren't going to let me transfer before I got 8 mm and I wasn't even close to a millimeters so on Friday last week I said no I'm not doing this anymore I'm done. So after the consultation I found out that the doctor would've been willing to potentially transfer. They gave me the instructions to return on Monday and that they would reevaluate but they didn't tell me that the doctor would have transferred. So now I've spent $1200 last month on tests that is just burnt when I could have spent another $300 and gone ahead with the transfer this month. So now I'm distraught and angry and frustrated and I cry every day. They need to take their patients mental state into consideration when they're dealing with these! A five-minute conversation ...

We went to the information session for all future adopters with this agency. It was a very informative and eye opening. https://www.depelchin.org/adoption/ One of the first things the presenter said was that they were no longer offering private infant adoption. There was just too much need and not enough infants to support them. So I asked M if he wanted to leave. He said no. So we stayed for the whole presentation. We found out: - this is an agency that does primarily foster to adopt or they adopt out children who are already legally 'free' to adopt. Meaning there is no family or mom and dad who will try to take them back! - most of the kids in foster to adopt are sibling groups, children with medical conditions or special needs - ages 3-9 is the largest age group in foster care then ages 11 - 19 - most infants are drug babies there are a lot of programs for therapy for the kids and the family - free of charge - the adoption is free What were the surprises? - you get ...

The clinic called and they wanted me to continue through the weekend and go back on Monday. But I said no. I said we're done this time two days isn't going to make any difference. It has only grown .3 mm in 4 days what's two days going to do. Especially if they want it to be 8. We are a long way from 8. And this is costing me too much money. I told him I want a new treatment plan. I want a consult with the doctor. And I want to talk about an endo scrape. So now I'm waiting for them to call me back with an appointment with the doctor.

I've spent the past few days researching adoption. I've been engulfed in listening to podcasts from Adoption Now and I met with a woman from my Houston IVF support group. She adopted within 2 months from Adoption Alliance and has a 16 month old son. She broke down a lot of the barriers I thought were on our way: 1. She is loving here on visas and doesn't have her green card 2. They agency was not adamant about her being done with her Ivf journey 3. It only took her 2 months to get chosen by her birth mom. Yesterday after listening to some very heartbreaking stories I was really not sure I could go through with the whole process. All of the people on the podcast said it is not for the faint of heart, it's the toughest thing you'll ever go through, it is a war and a battle like no other. Frankly I'm not sure my heart can take more heartache. But after telling Mike about this fears he is still very much on this adoption train. He just wants to be a dad alrea...

Here's the FB post I wrote today.  It is National Fertility Awareness Week so I am writing this to encourage those struggling with infertility not to continue hiding in the shadows and to consider unburdening yourself with the weight that you carry.  It is not about telling your story to gain pity. It is about giving yourself the permission to shine a light on a dark and very difficult path you are on. Opening up to my fertility struggles publicly at this time last year gave me freedom from a self-inflicted cag e. No longer was I trying to keep my emotions hidden from those who could be my biggest support network. I learned how brave I really was, to be vulnerable with something that was so deeply painful, and to not be afraid to let others see that pain. It gave me the permission to gracefully say no to baby showers or birthday parties, and left those hosting with understanding and compassion. It gave me the release of carrying the secret like a hippopotamus on my back. I...

Lining came in at 7.09. So we are making slow progress. But at least it's progressing. I'm to go back on Friday. If we get 2 readings over 7 by then they will likely move forward with transfer on Thursday May 4. My estrogen has gone down to 1530 which is good news. They key now is for my body to not ovulate before Friday. I'm on day 23 of meds. I usually ovulate on day 19. So the high estrogen might be tricking my body not to. That's the hope anyway.

It has been quite the week. After a call or two to the clinic every day this week this is what I have learned... My estrogen levels were almost as high last cycle with the del estrogen shot - so the vaginal estrace was not the worst idea - great. Some guilt released there! The issue could be that my liver isn't processing the hormones. Great - so what do I do with that? Not sure... They have not seen a case like this it doesn't seem. Though one of the Dr's found an article with one similar patient and what they did was just give them more time to try and grow the lining. I can actually go up to 6 weeks (according to the article) The nurse manager asked to see my chart from when I did my stims for retrieval. It showed my estrogen at 20408! The nurse said they would have cancelled my cycle at 6000 and that I am lucky I didn't have a PE - which I believe is a Pulmonary Embolism as high estrogen levels can cause blog clots. I had no idea and my old clinic never even bro...

Will I ever hear the sound of someone calling me momma? It seems today like it will never happen. This is true life torture. If I can't grow a uterus then there is no way it will ever happen. Today's lining check didn't go well - again. I don't know what is going on. I have incredible endo pains today. I did drink this weekend because it was my birthday but no more. Not one single drop. It just goes to show me that I have to be perfect to make this work - it seems like all I can do is be perfect. What else can I change? I've changed so much. I'll do daily yoga, no drinking, no carbs, Pom juice no stress. It is so not fair.

Today is day 1 of our official transfer month. This will be our first official attempt with our donated embryos. I started the estrace today 3x per day from now on. Let's hope my lining grows better this way with the vaginal method. My first lining check will be April 12. Our projected transfer date is April 28. So 26 little days!

So after some back and forth between the clinics, my results were considered 'normal'. The underdeveloped endometrium is apparently quite common with this test. I don't actually have polyps. When I asked the nurse what are some things they look for on this test she mentioned polyps and somehow I interpreted that as I had them. But she was just letting me know what might be a result that could come up. So all is normal. I'm back on the transfer train aiming for a transfer around April 24 or May 1. April 19th will be my 40th birthday. Wouldn't that be a true gift!

3 days until my biopsy and I'm feeling very anxious. This waiting in between is awful. Many of the women on my FB group have transferred this month and many have gotten their BFP's. Makes me feel like I'm not part of the 'club'. Thankfully I have my art show to keep me busy. I worked my butt off this weekend prepping and getting everything branded and ready to go. Now I'm back to the slower pace at work as well. Though that's good - it gives me too much time to wonder and worry I guess.

This madness called for a Facebook post tonight. To let people really see the face of infertility. Here's what I posted. "This is what infertility really looks like. Tonight was double shot night where I have to give myself 2 shots of 2 different drugs, in my ass (behind me), on my left side (I'm right handed), without help because of M's fear of needles. And this is what happens when that goes wrong. So often I struggle in silence and try my best to keep strong. But tonight my rage, frustration and sadness has gotten the best of me. I have another 7 days of this nightly routine only to go for a biopsy - not even for an attempt at a transfer. I am a real life science experiment. I post this to vent, and to bring awareness to the true struggles of infertility. Shining a light on the darkness that plagues some people's lives with no one knowing. Suffering in the shadows is part of the greatest pain." I got a huge outpouring of support and people have told...

Here is a photo of the two shots I have to do tonight. Delestrogen .2cc and progesterone in oil 1ml. It's is very hard to do but didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I have 10 days of this so we will see how I feel by the end of it.

Since my lining has shrunk we were given three options. The first was to quit the cycle all together and start again after my period. The second was to push through and add the Delestrogen to the drug protocol and hope that the embryo would implant. And the third option is to turn this cycle into an endometrial biopsy. The biopsy will tell us what my implantation window is so that the next time we do a transfer we will be armed with more information on how my uterine lining is receptive. It was a very hard decision to make because as you are on the road towards transfer it's very hard to get off the track. I feel I am at peace with our decision and know that it is going to really help us with the next round. Now is till need to go through this as of it was a regular transfer and then they will biopsy it at the time we would have transferred. So I start the Delestrogen shots tomorrow. These don't have to be done every day though. So that's a relief!

What did I do wrong on my life to deserve such pain. I suffer in silence. No one understands my anguish. My heart can't take much more sadness and turbulence. Why me? I don't know how much more I can endure. Another $300 gone and another $400 for the flights. How much more can we handle?!?!?

This is when it really gets real. It was a surprise because even though I have not gotten my period yet they called and said I could start. There is always a bit of anxiety around making sure you take the meds at the right time and according to the schedule. This puts my transfer date for February 10th. Now this date is always 'in flux' depending on how my body builds the very precious lining through the use of the estrace (estrogen). I was surprised to read that they do a pregnancy test only 7 days after transfer! I guess it's because they are 5 day embryos. So my pregnancy test date would be February 16! Right around Valentine's Day. We to Joann's tonight to get thread for an art project. Mike always goes off and does mischievous things to keep himself entertained. He found these Batman sunglasses and was channeling his bat-dad persona. 

Ok! I have my first ultrasound and blood work today and there is literally a tornado warning over our neighbourhood! So far it is moving away very quickly but what a way to start this morning of all days. It's the first potential hang up we have had though.  I remembered the fertility socks that Stacie Knitted for me for today's appointment. Again... needing some good vibes!

Well. Things are moving along! I got a call from the ART lab in Florida today. They have sent my protocol to HFI and my prescriptions to a pharmacy in Ohio. I am to get my ultrasound and blood work on January 16 at HFI. Then wait for CD1 and we have a projected transfer date of February 10!

We transferred two of our three embryos and had high hopes. Sadly those two didn't take and we were devastated. But as this anniversary comes to pass we have so much more hope thanks to our embryo donors. We thought we only had one more shot, but now thanks to our donors we have 5 more chances with their 4 snowflakes and our remaining one. We are so full of gratitude for these people who have given us so much hope. We plan to transfer our first donated embryo next month! Happy New Year.