The Motherhood Milestone

Finally got a consultation with the doctor. And as it turns out she was willing to transfer even if I didn't get to 8 mm. But the nurses didn't convey that to me so I cancelled the cycle thinking that they weren't going to let me transfer before I got 8 mm and I wasn't even close to a millimeters so on Friday last week I said no I'm not doing this anymore I'm done. So after the consultation I found out that the doctor would've been willing to potentially transfer. They gave me the instructions to return on Monday and that they would reevaluate but they didn't tell me that the doctor would have transferred. So now I've spent $1200 last month on tests that is just burnt when I could have spent another $300 and gone ahead with the transfer this month. So now I'm distraught and angry and frustrated and I cry every day. They need to take their patients mental state into consideration when they're dealing with these! A five-minute conversation ...

We went to the information session for all future adopters with this agency. It was a very informative and eye opening. https://www.depelchin.org/adoption/ One of the first things the presenter said was that they were no longer offering private infant adoption. There was just too much need and not enough infants to support them. So I asked M if he wanted to leave. He said no. So we stayed for the whole presentation. We found out: - this is an agency that does primarily foster to adopt or they adopt out children who are already legally 'free' to adopt. Meaning there is no family or mom and dad who will try to take them back! - most of the kids in foster to adopt are sibling groups, children with medical conditions or special needs - ages 3-9 is the largest age group in foster care then ages 11 - 19 - most infants are drug babies there are a lot of programs for therapy for the kids and the family - free of charge - the adoption is free What were the surprises? - you get ...

The clinic called and they wanted me to continue through the weekend and go back on Monday. But I said no. I said we're done this time two days isn't going to make any difference. It has only grown .3 mm in 4 days what's two days going to do. Especially if they want it to be 8. We are a long way from 8. And this is costing me too much money. I told him I want a new treatment plan. I want a consult with the doctor. And I want to talk about an endo scrape. So now I'm waiting for them to call me back with an appointment with the doctor.

I've spent the past few days researching adoption. I've been engulfed in listening to podcasts from Adoption Now and I met with a woman from my Houston IVF support group. She adopted within 2 months from Adoption Alliance and has a 16 month old son. She broke down a lot of the barriers I thought were on our way: 1. She is loving here on visas and doesn't have her green card 2. They agency was not adamant about her being done with her Ivf journey 3. It only took her 2 months to get chosen by her birth mom. Yesterday after listening to some very heartbreaking stories I was really not sure I could go through with the whole process. All of the people on the podcast said it is not for the faint of heart, it's the toughest thing you'll ever go through, it is a war and a battle like no other. Frankly I'm not sure my heart can take more heartache. But after telling Mike about this fears he is still very much on this adoption train. He just wants to be a dad alrea...

Here's the FB post I wrote today.  It is National Fertility Awareness Week so I am writing this to encourage those struggling with infertility not to continue hiding in the shadows and to consider unburdening yourself with the weight that you carry.  It is not about telling your story to gain pity. It is about giving yourself the permission to shine a light on a dark and very difficult path you are on. Opening up to my fertility struggles publicly at this time last year gave me freedom from a self-inflicted cag e. No longer was I trying to keep my emotions hidden from those who could be my biggest support network. I learned how brave I really was, to be vulnerable with something that was so deeply painful, and to not be afraid to let others see that pain. It gave me the permission to gracefully say no to baby showers or birthday parties, and left those hosting with understanding and compassion. It gave me the release of carrying the secret like a hippopotamus on my back. I...

Lining came in at 7.09. So we are making slow progress. But at least it's progressing. I'm to go back on Friday. If we get 2 readings over 7 by then they will likely move forward with transfer on Thursday May 4. My estrogen has gone down to 1530 which is good news. They key now is for my body to not ovulate before Friday. I'm on day 23 of meds. I usually ovulate on day 19. So the high estrogen might be tricking my body not to. That's the hope anyway.