The Motherhood Milestone

3 days until my biopsy and I'm feeling very anxious. This waiting in between is awful. Many of the women on my FB group have transferred this month and many have gotten their BFP's. Makes me feel like I'm not part of the 'club'. Thankfully I have my art show to keep me busy. I worked my butt off this weekend prepping and getting everything branded and ready to go. Now I'm back to the slower pace at work as well. Though that's good - it gives me too much time to wonder and worry I guess.

This madness called for a Facebook post tonight. To let people really see the face of infertility. Here's what I posted. "This is what infertility really looks like. Tonight was double shot night where I have to give myself 2 shots of 2 different drugs, in my ass (behind me), on my left side (I'm right handed), without help because of M's fear of needles. And this is what happens when that goes wrong. So often I struggle in silence and try my best to keep strong. But tonight my rage, frustration and sadness has gotten the best of me. I have another 7 days of this nightly routine only to go for a biopsy - not even for an attempt at a transfer. I am a real life science experiment. I post this to vent, and to bring awareness to the true struggles of infertility. Shining a light on the darkness that plagues some people's lives with no one knowing. Suffering in the shadows is part of the greatest pain." I got a huge outpouring of support and people have told...

Here is a photo of the two shots I have to do tonight. Delestrogen .2cc and progesterone in oil 1ml. It's is very hard to do but didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I have 10 days of this so we will see how I feel by the end of it.

Since my lining has shrunk we were given three options. The first was to quit the cycle all together and start again after my period. The second was to push through and add the Delestrogen to the drug protocol and hope that the embryo would implant. And the third option is to turn this cycle into an endometrial biopsy. The biopsy will tell us what my implantation window is so that the next time we do a transfer we will be armed with more information on how my uterine lining is receptive. It was a very hard decision to make because as you are on the road towards transfer it's very hard to get off the track. I feel I am at peace with our decision and know that it is going to really help us with the next round. Now is till need to go through this as of it was a regular transfer and then they will biopsy it at the time we would have transferred. So I start the Delestrogen shots tomorrow. These don't have to be done every day though. So that's a relief!

What did I do wrong on my life to deserve such pain. I suffer in silence. No one understands my anguish. My heart can't take much more sadness and turbulence. Why me? I don't know how much more I can endure. Another $300 gone and another $400 for the flights. How much more can we handle?!?!?