The Motherhood Milestone

The clinic called and they wanted me to continue through the weekend and go back on Monday. But I said no. I said we're done this time two days isn't going to make any difference. It has only grown .3 mm in 4 days what's two days going to do. Especially if they want it to be 8. We are a long way from 8. And this is costing me too much money. I told him I want a new treatment plan. I want a consult with the doctor. And I want to talk about an endo scrape. So now I'm waiting for them to call me back with an appointment with the doctor.

I've spent the past few days researching adoption. I've been engulfed in listening to podcasts from Adoption Now and I met with a woman from my Houston IVF support group. She adopted within 2 months from Adoption Alliance and has a 16 month old son. She broke down a lot of the barriers I thought were on our way: 1. She is loving here on visas and doesn't have her green card 2. They agency was not adamant about her being done with her Ivf journey 3. It only took her 2 months to get chosen by her birth mom. Yesterday after listening to some very heartbreaking stories I was really not sure I could go through with the whole process. All of the people on the podcast said it is not for the faint of heart, it's the toughest thing you'll ever go through, it is a war and a battle like no other. Frankly I'm not sure my heart can take more heartache. But after telling Mike about this fears he is still very much on this adoption train. He just wants to be a dad alrea...

Here's the FB post I wrote today.  It is National Fertility Awareness Week so I am writing this to encourage those struggling with infertility not to continue hiding in the shadows and to consider unburdening yourself with the weight that you carry.  It is not about telling your story to gain pity. It is about giving yourself the permission to shine a light on a dark and very difficult path you are on. Opening up to my fertility struggles publicly at this time last year gave me freedom from a self-inflicted cag e. No longer was I trying to keep my emotions hidden from those who could be my biggest support network. I learned how brave I really was, to be vulnerable with something that was so deeply painful, and to not be afraid to let others see that pain. It gave me the permission to gracefully say no to baby showers or birthday parties, and left those hosting with understanding and compassion. It gave me the release of carrying the secret like a hippopotamus on my back. I...

Lining came in at 7.09. So we are making slow progress. But at least it's progressing. I'm to go back on Friday. If we get 2 readings over 7 by then they will likely move forward with transfer on Thursday May 4. My estrogen has gone down to 1530 which is good news. They key now is for my body to not ovulate before Friday. I'm on day 23 of meds. I usually ovulate on day 19. So the high estrogen might be tricking my body not to. That's the hope anyway.

It has been quite the week. After a call or two to the clinic every day this week this is what I have learned... My estrogen levels were almost as high last cycle with the del estrogen shot - so the vaginal estrace was not the worst idea - great. Some guilt released there! The issue could be that my liver isn't processing the hormones. Great - so what do I do with that? Not sure... They have not seen a case like this it doesn't seem. Though one of the Dr's found an article with one similar patient and what they did was just give them more time to try and grow the lining. I can actually go up to 6 weeks (according to the article) The nurse manager asked to see my chart from when I did my stims for retrieval. It showed my estrogen at 20408! The nurse said they would have cancelled my cycle at 6000 and that I am lucky I didn't have a PE - which I believe is a Pulmonary Embolism as high estrogen levels can cause blog clots. I had no idea and my old clinic never even bro...

Will I ever hear the sound of someone calling me momma? It seems today like it will never happen. This is true life torture. If I can't grow a uterus then there is no way it will ever happen. Today's lining check didn't go well - again. I don't know what is going on. I have incredible endo pains today. I did drink this weekend because it was my birthday but no more. Not one single drop. It just goes to show me that I have to be perfect to make this work - it seems like all I can do is be perfect. What else can I change? I've changed so much. I'll do daily yoga, no drinking, no carbs, Pom juice no stress. It is so not fair.

Today is day 1 of our official transfer month. This will be our first official attempt with our donated embryos. I started the estrace today 3x per day from now on. Let's hope my lining grows better this way with the vaginal method. My first lining check will be April 12. Our projected transfer date is April 28. So 26 little days!