The Motherhood Milestone

I am a strong believer in the "Universe". My mantra is often.. ok Universe I know you've got my back, so show me what you've got. Well, this month U is shaking me to the core. I have had a month of pure hell at my new job. A job I didn't really want, but no one else called and I had an in with my old boss. I'm up at 5:30 am out the door by 7 and home by 6:30 or 7. I'm completely drained of all brain power and utterly exhausted. The thought of coming home to a 1 year old is enough to make me want to jump in the tub with a toaster!  My entire being is screaming... thank Gawd you don't have a child at home right now!!! I am not very well versed in the school of "suck it up". I live my life by the adage that we are not put on this earth to suffer. If I'm not happy, I change it. And it has always worked out for me. I am suffering now and I don't like it one little bit. I would hate it if I had a child at home to also make suffer. But kno...

This week as my journey continues I seem to have turned the page from being excited and certain that this is what is right for me and what I want to a chapter of separateness, fear and sadness. I feel all alone and like no one can understand what I am going through. I spend time with my niece and nephew and bombard my sisters with questions on what it is REALLY like to be a mom. Is there ever resentment when you get so tired and have no time to yourself? How do you have the energy to keep up? How do you know if you're giving your child enough time, energy and love, when there are so many other things to do to just make it through the week? How do I really think I'm going to pull this off? I feel withdrawn, lonely and overwhelmed. Trying to guess all the variables and go through the work to grieve the loss of the dream of a man to raise my child with met is all a lot to deal with. And then there's the issue of what if I never find a man to love again? Am I dooming m...

Well one of the goals of the new puppy was that she would be good trainning for a future child. And boy was I right! From the waking up in the middle of the night because she has to go outside, to developing the feeding routine, to re-scheduling life to accomidate, to paying close attention to her habbits so I can learn about her needs, to learning patience about cleaning up messes etc! It has definitely proven to be the 'mommy training wheels'.  Her and Duke are getting along amazingly well also. They now tire eachother out by 9 p.m. so I am not Duke's form of entertainment when all I want to do after my long day is veg out on the couch and not play tug or war or fetch. I listened to my intuition on this one and so far so good.