The Motherhood Milestone

Lately, it seems that every choice I make is wheiged on the "future baby" plan. I wallked into a store that had 50-70% off everything and I still didn't want to spend my now very valuable planning money. I have a dresser taking up a lot of room in my basement that I won't throw out because if I paint it white it can be the "future baby's" furniture. So... in keeping with planning for "future baby" - which I really need to find a better name for... I bought a 12 week old Shi-poo female puppy as a boxing day gift! I'd been considering this idea for a while. Mostly because I felt my dog D could use a buddy to keep him young and busy and not always rely on me for his entertainement. And because he'll need someone other than me when baby comes. I finnally took the plunge because I was talking with my brother-in-law who just had a baby 6 weeks ago - about a year ago they added a puppy to the family, they already had one senior dog - and he ...

I'd been thinking about wanting to buy something representative of this journey. Something kind of like a talisman that I could look at or wear that would remind me of where I'd like to be with a child someday. I found this and I originally paused to look at it because it is elephants and they are my favorite animal. But then when I looked further I realized the image spoke to me of a mamma going it alone with her little one. There it was! My talisman. I will hang it in my stairwell next to my bedroom so that at night when I go up to bed I see it and I fall asleep ready to manifest making my SMC dream come true. On a side note... I was in Toys R Us shopping for Christmas and I wandered over to the Baby's R Us part of the store. Every other time I've gone there in the past I dread it, I am riddled with anxiety and utterly uncomfortable when shopping for other people's little ones. I think "What am I doing here? I don't have a bloody clue about any of this ...

I figured I'd start this blog to diarize my journey into single motherhood. I'd been struggling with the idea of wanting to be a mother for a few years. All of my friends were having babies and I did a really good job at compartamentalizing my true feelings about it. In other words I shoved them waaaay deep down so they couldn't surface for fear that I would open a pandora's box of emotions I wasn't ready to deal with. So I put them under lock and key. It wasn't until my nephew Aidan was born in November 2011. For some reason he unlocked the flood gates of my dream of wanting to be a mother. So shortly after his birth I gave myself a deadline - I'd decide if I wanted to go it alone by my 35th birthday. Which is 5 months down the road. I'd spent the previous 4 years getting over my divorce and trying to find "Mr. Right" only to continue to put unrealistic pressures on each relationship because what I really wanted was a family - not necessaril...