Waiting for Biopsy Results

3 days until my biopsy and I'm feeling very anxious. This waiting in between is awful. Many of the women on my FB group have transferred this month and many have gotten their BFP's. Makes me feel like I'm not part of the 'club'. Thankfully I have my art show to keep me busy. I worked my butt off this weekend prepping and getting everything branded and ready to go. Now I'm back to the slower pace at work as well. Though that's good - it gives me too much time to wonder and worry I guess.

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A Talisman Appears

I'd been thinking about wanting to buy something representative of this journey. Something kind of like a talisman that I could look at or wear that would remind me of where I'd like to be with a child someday. I found this and I originally paused to look at it because it is elephants and they are my favorite animal. But then when I looked further I realized the image spoke to me of a mamma going it alone with her little one. There it was! My talisman. I will hang it in my stairwell next to my bedroom so that at night when I go up to bed I see it and I fall asleep ready to manifest making my SMC dream come true. On a side note... I was in Toys R Us shopping for Christmas and I wandered over to the Baby's R Us part of the store. Every other time I've gone there in the past I dread it, I am riddled with anxiety and utterly uncomfortable when shopping for other people's little ones. I think "What am I doing here? I don't have a bloody clue about any of this ...

The Cloak of Lonliness

This week as my journey continues I seem to have turned the page from being excited and certain that this is what is right for me and what I want to a chapter of separateness, fear and sadness. I feel all alone and like no one can understand what I am going through. I spend time with my niece and nephew and bombard my sisters with questions on what it is REALLY like to be a mom. Is there ever resentment when you get so tired and have no time to yourself? How do you have the energy to keep up? How do you know if you're giving your child enough time, energy and love, when there are so many other things to do to just make it through the week? How do I really think I'm going to pull this off? I feel withdrawn, lonely and overwhelmed. Trying to guess all the variables and go through the work to grieve the loss of the dream of a man to raise my child with met is all a lot to deal with. And then there's the issue of what if I never find a man to love again? Am I dooming m...

Got my new protocol today.

Well. Things are moving along! I got a call from the ART lab in Florida today. They have sent my protocol to HFI and my prescriptions to a pharmacy in Ohio. I am to get my ultrasound and blood work on January 16 at HFI. Then wait for CD1 and we have a projected transfer date of February 10!

The Motherhood Milestone

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