Reconnecting with Spirit and Faith

Well... it was Mother's Day yesterday. I knew it was going to be a tough day. So for the whole week I started preparing by tapping into my tools. Mainly Gabrielle Bernstein. She is my go to spirit guide whenever I fall from my spiritual path. With everything that has gone on the past few weeks, I really felt like my faith and understanding of the universe was being challenged.

I came across this talk she did about her struggle with infertility - in divine timing! In it she reminds me of the following:

- that the Universe has a divine plan that is right for us and we just need to let it happen
- "those who are certain about the outcome can afford to wait and to wait without anxiety" - a course in miracles
- the more I try to control the situation, the further I am pushing my desires away and not working with the Universe but against it

But here is my struggle... is taking my uterine tea trying to control the situation? Is doing fertility yoga and womb massage trying to control the situation? If I was to really surrender then I wouldn't be doing any of these things right?

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A Talisman Appears

I'd been thinking about wanting to buy something representative of this journey. Something kind of like a talisman that I could look at or wear that would remind me of where I'd like to be with a child someday. I found this and I originally paused to look at it because it is elephants and they are my favorite animal. But then when I looked further I realized the image spoke to me of a mamma going it alone with her little one. There it was! My talisman. I will hang it in my stairwell next to my bedroom so that at night when I go up to bed I see it and I fall asleep ready to manifest making my SMC dream come true. On a side note... I was in Toys R Us shopping for Christmas and I wandered over to the Baby's R Us part of the store. Every other time I've gone there in the past I dread it, I am riddled with anxiety and utterly uncomfortable when shopping for other people's little ones. I think "What am I doing here? I don't have a bloody clue about any of this ...

The Cloak of Lonliness

This week as my journey continues I seem to have turned the page from being excited and certain that this is what is right for me and what I want to a chapter of separateness, fear and sadness. I feel all alone and like no one can understand what I am going through. I spend time with my niece and nephew and bombard my sisters with questions on what it is REALLY like to be a mom. Is there ever resentment when you get so tired and have no time to yourself? How do you have the energy to keep up? How do you know if you're giving your child enough time, energy and love, when there are so many other things to do to just make it through the week? How do I really think I'm going to pull this off? I feel withdrawn, lonely and overwhelmed. Trying to guess all the variables and go through the work to grieve the loss of the dream of a man to raise my child with met is all a lot to deal with. And then there's the issue of what if I never find a man to love again? Am I dooming m...

So... Adoption?

I've spent the past few days researching adoption. I've been engulfed in listening to podcasts from Adoption Now and I met with a woman from my Houston IVF support group. She adopted within 2 months from Adoption Alliance and has a 16 month old son. She broke down a lot of the barriers I thought were on our way: 1. She is loving here on visas and doesn't have her green card 2. They agency was not adamant about her being done with her Ivf journey 3. It only took her 2 months to get chosen by her birth mom. Yesterday after listening to some very heartbreaking stories I was really not sure I could go through with the whole process. All of the people on the podcast said it is not for the faint of heart, it's the toughest thing you'll ever go through, it is a war and a battle like no other. Frankly I'm not sure my heart can take more heartache. But after telling Mike about this fears he is still very much on this adoption train. He just wants to be a dad alrea...

The Motherhood Milestone

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