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The Cloak of Lonliness

This week as my journey continues I seem to have turned the page from being excited and certain that this is what is right for me and what I want to a chapter of separateness, fear and sadness. I feel all alone and like no one can understand what I am going through. I spend time with my niece and nephew and bombard my sisters with questions on what it is REALLY like to be a mom. Is there ever resentment when you get so tired and have no time to yourself? How do you have the energy to keep up? How do you know if you're giving your child enough time, energy and love, when there are so many other things to do to just make it through the week? How do I really think I'm going to pull this off? I feel withdrawn, lonely and overwhelmed. Trying to guess all the variables and go through the work to grieve the loss of the dream of a man to raise my child with met is all a lot to deal with.

And then there's the issue of what if I never find a man to love again? Am I dooming my child to never have a father figure. I really thought that just because I'm having this baby doesn't mean I'll be single the rest of my life... but what if it does? Can I handle that? Can I handle never falling in love again? The thought of that breaks my heart. This cloak of lonliness is smothering me. I need to get out of this head space!

Comments

  1. Optimist 27 January 2012 at 08:49

    Hugs. I know how lonely life can get. I myself am ttc as an SMC. There is a bit of a roller coaster of emotions involved. I am happy now, but when I first became a "thinker" officially (4+ years ago), I had a lot of things to work through emotionally to be ready for this.

    The truth is, my desperation to get to motherhood was getting in the way of my ability to just flirt with guys for the hell of it. I am actually having more fun with men now that I am ttc and not trying to date. I am optimistic that once the pressure is off, something may happen for me. But if now, I am excited about the new friends I am making on my ttc journey and village building and know I will have a rich life and so will my child.

    You'll get there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BabyJunkie31 January 2012 at 20:18

    Thanks MMMReader. Wow! I can't imagine being on this 'thinker' rollercoaster for 4 years. I'm glad you are in a good place now. Keep me posted.

    ReplyDelete

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